October 19, 2011

This Is Why I Have A Blog

By Kaci Goodrich Uipi

As I read blogs from different "Angel Moms", I don't see them writing so much about the pain, the bitterness, the depression, the anger, the jealousy, and so on. However, when I log onto a private blog to which I belong with these other moms, I do sometimes find them sharing their "true feelings". Is it so bad that I share my "true feelings" on my public blog? That is the reason I have a blog.

I'm not good with showing my feelings. I'm especially not good with speaking. If I have to give a talk (a speech would be the better word), I spend hours and hours writing it, and re-writing it, and then I spend several more hours actually reading it out loud. (I'm not exaggerating either--I just gave a talk 3 days ago, so I know.) I guess I don't want people to think that I'm just "hiding behind my computer screen". My blog is my way to express myself. Before I had this blog, I really felt bottled up inside. 

Now, I know that not everyone is going to agree with me. Usually, it's those that have not lost children who don't agree with my feelings. Or, maybe you people out there that seem to agree with me are just "being nice" as my husband always tells me. (Yes, my husband thinks I need to burn this blog.) If that is the case, then please don't "be nice" anymore.

The real reason I have this blog is to work through my grief. Now, I have plenty of other problems that I also deal with that I don't share on this blog. I am also perfectly aware that there are many other struggling people in this universe. However, this blog is purposely to share feelings about MY LOSS.

For example...

Lately, I've been thinking that I should be "moving on". I mean, it has been 11 months, ya know? Well too bad you can't put a timeline on grieving the loss of a child. Sorry. I will never get over it. I will always be talking about it. It will always hurt me. The pain will lessen (as it has), but as of now, I'm definitely still in a depression/reflection/loneliness stage of grief. (For a good reference: go here.)

I really wish I could move on. Honestly. I do.

Shortly after Joshua died, I mentioned to a friend that seeing other babies made me angry inside. She responded, "I sure hope you can get over that soon."

I sure hope I can "get over it" soon too. But until then, I will just keep writing about it.    

8 comments:

  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  2. You don't know me... I found you through a 'trail of grief'. I saw your comment on another mother's blog. Anyways, I love your blog- you say it like it is. I have hesitated posting on my blog for the reason that I feel like i am hiding. I don't want to sugar coat grief, but I have a hard time expressing it. Anyways, it is something I am working on.
    I also have to comment on your last post, I completely get it. Before I lost my daughter, I had trials, but nothing like this. I remember, a week after my daughter died, screaming at my mom and sister, "Things like this don't happen to me. I am not one of those people". You feel so safe and secure in your world until it shatters. So, I get what you're saying

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  3. Sometimes I don't want to get over it. I don't want people to tell me how I should or shouldn't feel. If I'm bitter or angry or depressed, let me be bitter, angry, or depressed.
    I wrote down my feelings the day Ella died. I've written down feelings since then too, but they're so raw I can barely read them today. They'll probably never see the light of day, but what matters is how we deal and cope and we all do it differently. Say it loud, girl. No one is going to stop you and no one has the right to.

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  4. I really admire your honesty on your blog. Don't compare yourself to the rest of us angel mom's. You do what is best for you. There are many times I would like to write something on my blog, but I am not in the mood to have anyone call me do talk about the way I'm feeling and for that reason I hold back. I probably shouldn't because putting my feelings into words is helpful for me, so I say go for it! Don't worry about what others are doing or thinking. This is for you and that is all that matters and know that us angel mom's pretty much agree with everything you say!

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  5. I think its great that you are completely honest with your feeling and those that don't like it...don't need to read. I am VERY honest with everything I have thought and felt these past 14+ months and I don't apologize to no one for feeling the way that I have. I would rather read about the true emotions then to read some BS.

    keep writing!

    I hate when people say things like "get over it" or "move on." It literally pisses me off. My mom has even been known to say things :( I really don't think people understand. I always tell them if their mother were to die would they just "move on?" Do you pretend that you never had a mother? No. It usually shuts them up :)

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  6. I love it. I read your blog and think that is how I feel. I try to be honest on my blog to. It makes me feel better. I try not to care what other people may think or how it may make them feel cause really, I write it for me.
    I feel the same way about wishing I could get over it. It is hard for me to realize that I wont EVER.
    Do I need to be invited to the private blog??

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  7. I love your blog. Just keep writing how you want and don't care what people think. I'm not technically an "angel mom" but I actually get more out of these type of blogs than infertility/miscarriage blogs. The hurt and the pain is the same even if the cause is different. Sometimes I get jealous that I couldn't have had a baby make it far enough for me to at least hold. That is one of those awful things I wouldn't write on my blog because I would be too scared of backlash. So keep being honest, I love it.

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  8. Good grief! Get over it? I don't think anyone has or could get over the loss of a child. Although I have never gone through what you have, I feel like I would die if it happened to me. My good friend lost a child just a few hours after her birth 5 years ago. She still bakes a cake for her birthday and posts pictures of her baby, she has had 3 other children since then and loves them all dearly but she will never, nor could she ever forget. Kaci, I am sorry about facebook too. I know I have contributed to your vomit feelings. I know you will never get over your lost child but someday you will be able to be happy and enjoy other babies and pregnant women, don't rush it!

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I have never deleted anyone's comment. (Not even the mean ones from my sisters.)