As I read blogs from different "Angel Moms", I don't see them writing so much about the pain, the bitterness, the depression, the anger, the jealousy, and so on. However, when I log onto a private blog to which I belong with these other moms, I do sometimes find them sharing their "true feelings". Is it so bad that I share my "true feelings" on my public blog? That is the reason I have a blog.
I'm not good with showing my feelings. I'm especially not good with speaking. If I have to give a talk (a speech would be the better word), I spend hours and hours writing it, and re-writing it, and then I spend several more hours actually reading it out loud. (I'm not exaggerating either--I just gave a talk 3 days ago, so I know.) I guess I don't want people to think that I'm just "hiding behind my computer screen". My blog is my way to express myself. Before I had this blog, I really felt bottled up inside.
Now, I know that not everyone is going to agree with me. Usually, it's those that have not lost children who don't agree with my feelings. Or, maybe you people out there that seem to agree with me are just "being nice" as my husband always tells me. (Yes, my husband thinks I need to burn this blog.) If that is the case, then please don't "be nice" anymore.
The real reason I have this blog is to work through my grief. Now, I have plenty of other problems that I also deal with that I don't share on this blog. I am also perfectly aware that there are many other struggling people in this universe. However, this blog is purposely to share feelings about MY LOSS.
Lately, I've been thinking that I should be "moving on". I mean, it has been 11 months, ya know? Well too bad you can't put a timeline on grieving the loss of a child. Sorry. I will never get over it. I will always be talking about it. It will always hurt me. The pain will lessen (as it has), but as of now, I'm definitely still in a depression/reflection/loneliness stage of grief. (For a good reference: go here.)
I really wish I could move on. Honestly. I do.
Shortly after Joshua died, I mentioned to a friend that seeing other babies made me angry inside. She responded, "I sure hope you can get over that soon."
I sure hope I can "get over it" soon too. But until then, I will just keep writing about it.