April 22, 2012

Random Thoughts

So I haven't written in here for a while. I've been busy. But besides being busy, I feel like I'm kind of at a new "level" of my grief. I go more and more days without crying, and I don't get that sick feeling so much when I see a new baby. Don't get me wrong--it's still hard sometimes. I still sometimes just sit in awe that something like this happened to me... I think to myself, "My baby died? Why did my baby have to die?" And occasionally I will still get that horrific image of Joshua being put inside of a body bag. (No, I didn't actually see this take place, but I asked the nurse right before we left the hospital if she was going to put him inside of a body bag before taking him down to the morgue and she said "yes". Seriously--NO mother should ever have to be haunted with a mental image of their child being zipped up in a body bag. Ugh.)  

I do worry that I don't think about him enough. I worry that I'm forgetting important details and images from his life. I know that there's a lot of people that don't think I could honestly miss someone that much who only lived for a month. In fact, when I tell them he passed away at a month old, they will sometimes say, "Well I guess you carried him for 9 months so, that was probably hard." Yes. It was hard. And--it still is hard. He was a real person to me. Is the pain worse if your child is older? Maybe. I sometimes think that (to be honest). But I would never tell someone who lost a day old baby that they have it easier than me just because their baby was only a day old. That's nonsense.