By Kaci Goodrich Uipi
Some people might think I'm just a bitter brat. I beg to differ. I have many days when I count my blessings and am in such awe of what God has given me including talents, friendships, financial well being, physical health, a nice home to live in, a good husband, and many more. But when life is great, I don't always feel like writing. When life is bad, writing is my therapy and I guess deep down inside, I do it because I long for understanding. Yup, I said it. I long to be loved and understood.
As Joshua's birth date and death date soon approach in the next couple of months, I feel the need to look back and review everything that has happened this past year. It's not a year I would wish upon anyone. Nonetheless, I feel proud of my accomplishments and growth that has taken place. Two Important things I've learned is: "There is no right way to grieve" and "I will never completely get over my loss". With these statements in mind, I feel like I've done pretty good in handling the card that was dealt to me on November 9th of last year.
I might not always write the things people would wish I would write. I might not have as many followers as other blogs because I might not be viewed as an "inspirational" or "motivational person". That's okay. I want people out there to know that losing a baby isn't fun. In very dark moments (and I feel like I can personally say I know what a "dark moment" is), the pain can cut very deep, and feel like it might never go away. So I blog to bluntly let people know that, "No. I'm not OK with my son's death."
I want people to know that I'm a real person with real feelings of anger, sadness, helplessness, frustration, and jealousy. However, I also want people to know that I am striving daily to endure my challenges and struggles, having hope that one day all things will be made right through the atonement of Jesus Christ, and that I WILL see my son again.
I sometimes hold it half a sin; To put in words the grief I feel; For words, like nature, half reveal; And half conceal the Soul within. -Alfred Tennyson