September 17, 2011

I Write The Truth Whether You Like It Or Not

By Kaci Goodrich Uipi

Some people might think I'm just a bitter brat. I beg to differ. I have many days when I count my blessings and am in such awe of what God has given me including talents, friendships, financial well being, physical health, a nice home to live in, a good husband, and many more.  But when life is great, I don't always feel like writing. When life is bad, writing is my therapy and I guess deep down inside, I do it because I long for understanding. Yup, I said it. I long to be loved and understood.

As Joshua's birth date and death date soon approach in the next couple of months, I feel the need to look back and review everything that has happened this past year. It's not a year I would wish upon anyone. Nonetheless, I feel proud of my accomplishments and growth that has taken place. Two Important things I've learned is: "There is no right way to grieve" and "I will never completely get over my loss". With these statements in mind, I feel like I've done pretty good in handling the card that was dealt to me on November 9th of last year.

I might not always write the things people would wish I would write. I might not have as many followers as other blogs because I might not be viewed as an "inspirational" or "motivational person". That's okay. I want people out there to know that losing a baby isn't fun. In very dark moments (and I feel like I can personally say I know what a "dark moment" is), the pain can cut very deep, and feel like it might never go away. So I blog to bluntly let people know that, "No. I'm not OK with my son's death."

I want people to know that I'm a real person with real feelings of anger, sadness, helplessness, frustration, and jealousy. However, I also want people to know that I am striving daily to endure my challenges and struggles, having hope that one day all things will be made right through the atonement of Jesus Christ, and that I WILL see my son again.

I sometimes hold it half a sin; To put in words the grief I feel; For words, like nature, half reveal; And half conceal the Soul within. -Alfred Tennyson



3 comments:

  1. I think it is great. I do the same thing. Writing is so therapeutic for me. But I want to write mostly on bad days too. I try to include the good ones sometimes...dont want people thinkin I am suicidal or anything. ;) I love what you write, it is real raw and right on.

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  2. It's weird. When I do a normal post on my blog about normal things, I get very few comments (because let's face it, one of the reasons some of us blog is to get recognition). But when I post about Ella and how much I miss her, I get a bazillion comments. It's like... wow, nice to know you guys only care when I'm boo-hooing. I know that's not really the case though. I'm just saying it's weird.

    Here's a virtual hug for the rough days ahead. Even though I know it's not really going to help. <3

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  3. Found your blog on another BLM's website. I just wanted to say how sorry I am for the loss of your adorable son.

    I like when people are completely honest. That is how I am, I don't sugar coat anything. Our feelings are raw and real and I don't want people to brush things under the rug, ya know. I use my blog as my journal and journey so that someday my kid's can read it and see what I went through when their brother died...so I have to be honest :)

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I have never deleted anyone's comment. (Not even the mean ones from my sisters.)