March 10, 2011

I'm Tired

By Kaci Goodrich Uipi

I've decided that if I'm really going to have this blog, I need to be completely honest. No more holding back my true feelings. I can't care what anyone else thinks of me. It hasn't happened to them, so how do they know what I'm supposed to be feeling? Besides, no one really reads my blog anyway...

so here goes...

I'm tired of people not being sensitive to my feelings. I'm tired of obnoxious pregnant women sitting next to me rubbing their big belly while chatting about when their water is going to break and what they are going to name their baby. I'm tired of people constantly teaming me up with either pregnant women or new moms for church callings and visiting teaching. I'm tired of people inviting me over to their house where they have also invited other women who just happened to give birth the same month as me... and their babies are there with them, as if they needed proof.

I'm especially tired of the people who continually ask me how I'm doing, and really don't care for the honest answer. I'm also tired of the people that pee their pants if I tell them I'm actually not doing so great because my son died a few months ago... as if they forgot this small detail. And then there's the people who think they've helped me so much during this difficult time because they've told me things like, "Your son was just too pure for this Earth". Sorry folks, but cliches don't help.

Oh yeah, and then the much older and wiser (and even the younger and hipper) people who have given me advice on the way I should have done the funeral to how I should now be grieving. HA! Why should I listen to you? You people have never even lost a child!

I think, though, what I'm really tired of, is feeling like this. Feeling like the huge ordeal we experienced in the hospital for 3 weeks was all in vain. The countless hours of stress, anxiety, headaches, confusion, and being mislead that entire time... why? Why did I have to watch him suffer? Why did I have to watch him be poked countless times, even to the point of needing blood transfusions? Why did I have to escort him to so many surgeries and x-rays, without his life support machine plugged in, watching with anxiety the RT's every move, wondering if he was going to die right then and there because the RT forgot to pump air for 1 second? Why did I have to watch him become more swollen every day, having to have catheters put in, because he couldn't even pee by himself? Why did I have to watch nurse after nurse stick tubes down his nose and throat, only for him to gag with complete agony while thrusting his entire body trying to spit the tubes out? Why did I have to watch my perfect little baby turn into someone that didn't even look like him?

As you can see, I'm tired of a lot of things. This must be why it's hard to think straight most of the time. I'm dealing with my loss as best as I know how. Writing seems to be good therapy for me. If any of you have a problem with things I've said, I would almost bet that you've never lost a child. I might be wrong, but then again, this is my grief, and nobody else's.

11 comments:

  1. Kaci - I too am an "Angel mom". I clicked on your blog from the Angel blog. I just wanted to say "amen" to your post. I am feeling the same way. My baby girl passed away 15 months ago. Sometimes I feel strong and I can handle all the pregnancies and new babies around me thinking "oh what a blessing that I get to hold all these new precious babies".....then I have other times, like recently, when I feel the same way - TIRED! Tired of having to stay happy with all these happy mom's with their babies. It is not fair. It sucks and no one really understands. I'm sorry you have to go through this. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. Your feelings are valid and I commend you for posting them on your blog. I have wanted to post mine, but I'm trying to catch up on other posts so I haven't - but I should. Anyway, I will keep you in my prayers.
    Love, Melica (Hailey's mom)

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  2. Kaci,
    I have not lost a child and I cannot even begin to pretend to understand how you feel. I am sure until you see him again you will struggle with feelings of loss and sadness. It is to be expected. I would hope people would be more sensitive to your feelings but there are a lot of obtuse people out there that think, "Oh she'll get over it some day" or "She just needs to have another baby." Like Joshua was a pet goldfish or something. I appreciate your being open and sharing your intimate feelings with the world. I hope it is helping you!
    Love you!
    Chelsea
    PS. I thought the funeral was beautiful!

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  3. I cry every time I think about it and read about it. I don't know how it feels I can only imagine and that is scary enough. All I do know is that Heavenly Father loves us and gives each of us trials, some are harder than others but He does not give us more than we can bare, having said that, He expects us to apply the atonement to help us through, we cannot bare it on our own. The atonement is not just for sinners but for grief and pain. Jesus Christ knows your pain, He felt it. My favorite scripture is Alma 7:11-13. It helps me deal with the loss of siblings and a nephew. Maybe it's not the same as losing a child but it still hurts and Christ has made it easier. I still cry sometimes 6 years later but I am happy. Here is a big across the country hug! You are a strong and amazing woman!

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  4. Kaci
    There are no words to describe what I wish I could say to you. I can say that we think of you and your husband often, and we will pray for you both. I am so sorry you lost your beauitful son. I am so sorry you are going through all of this.
    Darissa

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  5. Hey Kaci,

    I think it is great you are expressing your emotions...if it helps relax you or feel less Tired that is what you need to do. If you need to vent verbally as well let me know I am there to support you ok...love ya

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  6. I can't begin to think of any words that could comfort you so I won't even try, but I do think about you and just want to let you know you are loved.

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  7. My sister Melissa directed me to your blog. I too have been an "angel mom" for going on 10 years now. My heart goes out to you because I know nothing I say will make it better. I can't tell you if it will get easier because only YOU know your pain. I lost my son but my relationship with my son may not be the same as your relationship with your son. That is the ONE thing that I can say I understand along with you. NO ONE KNOWS. No one will ever know how it feels to be US. This is a very crappy club and I hate that anyone joined it before or after me. I am glad my sister told me of your blog but I hate her for it at the same time (lol) because now I"m sitting at work crying like an idiot! If I could hug you I would, not because it would make you feel better, but because that's what I would want to do. If you ever want to contact me or someone just to vent to, my sister Melissa Waters knows how to get a hold of me.

    Hugs and more Hugs

    Amy Burkett Curtis

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  8. Kaci,
    Thank you for your honesty! I think it's so important not to worry what others think-it's your thoughts and feelings. I am so touched by your words. When my mom lost my sister, Stephanie, no one wanted her to talk about it and when she came home, the nursery had been cleared out of everything for my sister, like she never existed. I learn from you dear "angel mom" on what you need me to do or not do to do to support you and Salesi. I'm your friend and will be here to listen, cry with you, talk, remember...whatever you need of me forever. I love you so very much!! xoxo

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  9. Kaci,
    I think its great you are writing about your feelings and experiences. I know I'm typically obnoxious and irritating especially towards you, but I want you and Selesi to both know that I love you and I'm sorry that you are in such pain.
    Love,
    Erik

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  10. OH Kaci. I am seriously dying over the pet goldfish comment. How true. How true.

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  11. I know what you mean about pregnant women/babies, etc. after a loss. After my infertility, ectopic pregnancy and surgery, I couldn't be happy for anyone. Then, a few months after my loss, my Relief Society President had the audacity to ask ME to host a baby shower for a lady who was due one day before I had been due...it was bad.

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I have never deleted anyone's comment. (Not even the mean ones from my sisters.)