December 29, 2011
November 9, 2011
1. Friends who continually call to say they are thinking about us.
2. All the hundreds of friends (yes, there was a lot), and family that came to the funeral service.
3. The friend that sent me a plant on Joshua's birthday.
4. The friend that took me out to dinner for his 1 year angelversary.
5. The friend that texted me on his birthday.
6. The friends who called to ask if they could leave flowers on his grave for Memorial Day.
7. The friend who left something on his grave for his 1 year angelversary. (I still haven't gotten around to going there yet!)
8. Those friends that continue to talk about Joshua and never forget that he was a real person.
9. All of the dozens of pictures I have to look at of his short life.
10. A stake president who introduced us to other parents who had lost children immediately following the funeral.
11. A stake president who visited us in the hospital and gave me and Joshua a blessing.
12. A husband who continues to let me cry and deal with my loss as I see best.
13. All of those that gave us cards and flowers for his death and funeral.
14. The friend that donated all of the gorgeous flowers for his funeral service free of charge.
15. Those that let out-of-town family stay in their home for the funeral service.
16.Those who cooked a nice lunch for our friends and family after the burial.
17. Those that put flowers on his grave, just because.
18. My family who brought me flowers for his 1st birthday.
19. A bishop who visited us in the hospital.
20. All the friends who brought us food in the hospital.
21. The friends who sent us a card on his 1 year angelversary.
22. The friend who sent me an email on his 1 year angelversary.
23. The friend that took me out to dinner on his 1st birthday.
24. The friend who gave me a beautiful picture of Christ holding an infant, just because.
25.Those that have remained my friend even when I have offended them during my grieving process.
26. Those friends that came to visit us in the hospital.
27. Good hometeachers who came to sing to Joshua in the hospital.
28. The entire stake presidency who came to give us the sacrament in the hospital. (That was amazing.)
29. Everyone who has and is still praying for us.
30. All the hundreds (and even thousands, as my stake president quoted) people who fasted for Joshua the Sunday before he died.
31. All the people that have put Joshua's (and I'm sure mine also) name on the prayer roll.
32. My mother who wrote and published an obituary for Joshua.
33. All 3 sisters (2 from out of town) who traveled here for the funeral.
34. All those who gave us money for the funeral.
35. A friend who sewed Joshua a blanket for the hospital.
36. Friends who provided a breakfast for family on the morning of the funeral.
37. My mother who shopped for and bought Joshua's burial clothes.
38. Salesi's family who traveled from northern California and Utah to attend the funeral.
39. Salesi's family who brought Tongan blankets and tapa cloths to wrap around Joshua's coffin for burial.
40. Salesi's family who sang beautiful Tongan hymns as we burried Joshua.
41. All the men who actually took turns shoveling dirt onto Joshua's grave. (Again, another amazing experience to watch.)
42. Friends that made a beautiful display of Joshua's photos for the funeral service.
43. Friends who gave me books to read about grief and loss.
44. The short 6 days I did get to spend with Joshua at home.
45. All of the doctors and nurses who took care of us.
46. Everyone else that has done anything for my family or Joshua's behalf that I have forgotten to mention.
Alright, as you can see, it's pretty hard to be mad when I am able to count my blessings.
|Exactly 1 year ago... just minutes before we unplugged all of the machines. Not exactly one of my brighter days.|
November 3, 2011
October 30, 2011
October 28, 2011
That's the difference between my husband and me: I like to think about the world in which we can't see, and he likes to think that we don't need to think about it at all.
To me, I love studying the subject of life after death. It's just so fascinating. For those of you who are not familiar with the concept, here is a discussion from Brent Top who is an author on the subject. I have a couple of his CD's and he is definitely an expert regarding this sometimes confusing topic.
October 27, 2011
October 26, 2011
4. Do NOT use cliches. Sorry. As good as they sound, we just don't want to hear them. For every cliche you say, we will think of a good comeback. We might not say it out loud, but we are thinking it. For example, don't ever say things like, "You will see your son again... He was too pure for this Earth!" Having a strong testimony of God's eternal plan does NOT take away the pain of losing a child! We would all go mad if we didn't think we should be upset over our loss just because we know we will see our loved one again. Avoid ALL cliches, especially, "I understand how you feel". Instead, simply say, "I'm so sorry". And that's all you have to say!
6. Be there! Tell her that you are there if she ever wants to talk about it. (And then actually BE THERE, by continually checking up on her with phone calls, emails etc.) If you are there, she will talk about it when the time is right. Remember--grieving the loss of a child is a process. When the funeral is over, and cards stop coming, and dinners stop coming, THEN she will need somebody. So, if you want to be that somebody, then BE THERE.
October 23, 2011
October 19, 2011
October 18, 2011
October 10, 2011
October 9, 2011
|We ate dinner at Thomas Keller's "Bouchon".|
|We took pictures in front of giant corn ears.|
|We ate overpriced Chinese food.|
|We took pictures in front of the Eiffel Tower. (Aka our hotel.)|
|We took more pictures in front of the Eiffel Tower.|
|We watched dancing fountains.|
|We ate french pastries.|
|We ate some more french pastries. (It was kind of a daily ritual.)|
|We learned French.|
|We saw The Lion King.|
|We found a H & M with more manikins in the store than real people.|
|Salesi thought about getting some new style.|
|Salesi marched with protesters.|
|We stayed in a red room for only 46 bucks a night! (Thank you Priceline, and an even greater thank you to the lady at the front desk who upgraded our room for free!)|
|We ate some more over-priced food. (Sorry, too tired for hair and makeup.)|
|We took pictures of ceilings.|
|We ate at a lousy all-you-can-eat ("french") buffet. (Don't go there! The Bellagio's has got to be better!)|
|We took more pictures in front of the Eiffel Tower.|
|We listened to talking trees.|
|And we helped this old man sweep the Parisian streets. |
(Now I just have to figure out what I'm actually going to do tomorrow, on Joshua's REAL birthday...)
October 4, 2011
October 2, 2011
So many choices...
We went and saw the IVF doctor again. I think we might go through with it... Or at least continue down this path until something stops us. There is still one big decision to make regarding IVF: To have twins, or not to have twins?
Now, I know there are no guarantees in life. Just because the doctor transfers 2 embryos, doesn't mean both will survive. Just because the doctor transfers only 1 embryo doesn't mean it won't split into 2. And of course, just because the doctor strategically places any embryos at all doesn't mean any of them will continue to grow into a healthy, normal baby.
Now THAT'S a question. What do you think?
September 17, 2011
September 6, 2011
Why is my life so awkward? If I don't tell people about Joshua, it's awkward. If I do tell people about Joshua, it's even more awkward. Is it me? Or is it them?
My visiting teacher came over on Sunday, and I knew she would ask about Joshua. 1--because I have two framed pictures of him in my living room, one of which is of Salesi and I holding him with my hospital bands still on. And 2--because my visiting teacher likes to talk and ask a lot of questions.
I had thought about putting the pictures away before she arrived (or at least the one of us as a family), but I decided instead, that I would act like it was no big deal if she were to ask me who the baby was. Of course we all know that it isn't just "no big deal".
To make a long story short...after I nervously asked all the questions for a good 15 minutes (while she continued to stare at the picture of Joshua across the room), she then started asking me questions about my wedding. At this point I knew she was staling. And then it came--the dreaded question that I knew was coming--"May I ask you who the baby is??" She said quietly with a hesitant look on her face. "OH, that's our baby. That's Joshua. He was born on 10-10-10 and passed away on November 9th. He'd be 1 in October," I said matter-of-factly like it wasn't a big deal. "Well he's very cute," she said. "Thanks," I responded immediately.
Then, it happened--that super quiet moment where you start twiddling your thumbs hoping that a big plane will crash down outside your apartment to take away the silence and awkwardness of it all.
Instead of the big plane I was hoping for, I turned my head to look way over at the microwave clock and said, "Oh woa! We gotta get going (to church)!"
And that was that.
Is it me or is it them? I just don't feel like explaining the whole story to everyone on the planet. Only because we recently moved, it now feels like I'm keeping a big secret from everyone. People don't see us with kids at church, so they have no reason to think that we have any at all. I guess this is how my life is going to be from now on, so I better learn to deal with it.
September 4, 2011
August 11, 2011
July 21, 2011
July 12, 2011
July 8, 2011
June 27, 2011
May 20, 2011
May 10, 2011
April 28, 2011
April 20, 2011
As days go on, I start to think that maybe I'm getting better. I don't spend so much time crying like I used to, and the overall feeling in my gut has improved. I know it's not the most accurate way to measure all this, but for me, it's the only way I know how. Sometimes I feel guilty or upset that I've gone a certain amount of days without crying. Other times, I wish to cry, but I can't force it to come out. And then there are times when, all it takes is a good ol' cheesy movie about a girl who gets her arm chopped off by a shark, or a story of a heart transplant on Oprah to really get my tears flowing again.
In the beginning, it seemed like I spent most of my time crying, or feeling like there was a knife going in my stomach. So, to have a few breathers in between is a nice thing. However, there are always those reminders waiting to jump out at me, when I am certainly not in the mood for them.
For example: The other day a lady said to me, "It's hard having kids...". What was I supposed to say back to that!? "It's also pretty hard losing a kid!" Deep down inside, though, I felt like I wasn't even being viewed as a mother, and that's what bothered me the most. There will always be babies every where I go that will also be a constant reminder of what I don't have. And can I blame those people who have living babies? No, but the bottom line remains: It hurts.
Misconception of the ungrieving world: "Kaci is fine being around babies because she acts fine!" It's a very hard thing to tell someone that I don't care to look at their baby. Yes, it's hard for me to tell people a lot of things, thus the reason for this blog. I've told things to Salesi like, "If one more person comes over to my house with a baby I'm going to tell them off!" Have I done it yet? No. It's a mixture of me being a chicken and also trying very hard to be polite.
April 12, 2011
By Kaci Goodrich Uipi
I got my tests results back. The doctor wanted me to come in so she could tell me the results in person. That meant something wasn't good. I was right. The blood work came back positive. I'm a carrier of CGD. This means every time I get pregnant, there is a 25 percent chance my baby will be born with Chronic Granulomatous Disease. This is what Joshua died from. To be more specific, every boy I give birth to will have a 50 percent chance of having this disease. To be blunt: I need to have all girls.
How do I ensure that I will only have girls? Well there is in vitro, which could guarantee me a girl or even a healthy boy, but as we all know, it is very costly. There are also many natural techniques one can do to try to have a baby girl, but I'm not sure if I believe these actually work.
Many people ask me when I'm going to try for another baby. Well now you know one of the many, many things I have to consider before I'm ready. And like my friend
Misconception of the ungrieving world: "Kaci will feel all better when she has another baby to hold, and take care of..." I don't have any idea how I will feel when and if I have another baby because I don't know the future. I will always be grieving my son's loss in some way or another, and as of right now, the thought of having another baby brings anxiety, stress, and guilt.
On a funny note... Salesi asked me if I was going to post anything about my results. I told him, "probably not". He said I should write a post about it and call it, "CGD in the House".