July 21, 2014

Mixed Feelings About Blogging

It's been almost ONE year since I last posted. It has NOT been almost one year, though, since I have last written on this blog. I have written several posts...but have not published them...for lots of different reasons... 

I feel ashamed. I feel embarrassed. I feel sad. I feel angry. I feel lonely. I feel blessed. I feel progress. I feel clarity. I feel disappointed. I feel hurt. I feel empowered. I feel experienced.   

I know. Such a mixture of emotions. 

Sometimes I think that people might look at me and say, "Gosh, it's been just about FOUR years, and you STILL feel like that??" Yes, it HAS been almost four years and it's crazy to think that Joshua would be almost 4 years old. It's crazy to think that he would be speaking, walking, running, climbing, swimming, and... you get the point. It's REALLY crazy to think that he would be sitting right there, in the front row, just a couple inches away from me, every Sunday as I get to be Primary Chorister in my ward. Yes. He would be a little Sunbeam. Now, THAT is crazy. It's even more crazy when I look at the roster and view the little Sunbeams' birthdays and realize that many of them are only a day or a week younger or older than Joshua. (I REALLY try not to think about this when I am teaching them. But then again, sometimes I DO, and sometimes it brings a smile to my face. On certain days...if I am lucky.)

So yes, it has been FOUR years. Almost. But then again, it has ONLY been almost FOUR years. 

I see so much growth since the day his death actually started to hit me. But I'm not stupid. After having to tell myself a hundred times that this pain will never fully go away...I really now think (maybe), that I know and believe that it can come back at any time, and at any place...for any reason at all. And it will. And it does.

If there is one thing I am SO in awe of, it is how much this one event has changed my life--and continues to change and shape my life...on a daily basis. Things like--where I live, what jobs I take, what friends I make, what thoughts I have about others, what hobbies interest me, what I think about different political and social issues, and on, and on. Maybe every life experience shapes your life and affects the choices you make....but it sure didn't seem like that to me before I had a baby that died. 

Oh, and by the way, I STILL think I will continue blogging. I think it's good for me. And my posterity. (Because we just might be the only ones who ever read it. And that's totally okay with me.)