It's been almost three years. Wow. Can you believe it's been that long? Looking back, it sometimes feels like maybe these past three years haven't been the most productive of ones. (I'm crying as I write this by the way. It might be because of the music I'm listening to, or it might just be because I still cry every now and again. And if I do smile when I think of him--it quickly turns to tears.)
I think of all the things I've learned and how much I've grown in the past few years--but then I think of all the time I've spent laying on my couch and sleeping in. (Man do I love to sleep.) And then I think of all the money I've spent on clothes and stuff that I didn't really need or even ever use. (At least I didn't use a credit card to buy anything, right?) I know in the end I can't really be too hard on myself--look at what I was dealing with (am dealing with). Those things are what got me through. When I felt lonely or depressed I would go shopping. (Man do I love to shop.) And luckily I didn't really do anything that horrible or stupid.
By good fortune though, something just kinda "clicked" in my brain. I realized that it's much better to live lite--especially if you move as much as we do. So we recently gave about thirty boxes of stuff (some good stuff), to Deseret Industries and I'm now getting rid of even more stuff via Ebay and Craigslist.
The hardest part was going through Joshua's things. When we moved here three years ago, I carefully crammed all and any of his (small) belongings into three fairly large boxes. I couldn't dream of getting rid of anything of his--yet alone touching it because that would mean the smell would rub off. I knew that one day I would go through the boxes but I chose to delay opening them till I felt a little more ready. When I finally opened them up I cried at first, but ultimately I decided that getting rid of most of his things would be best. I chose to condense everything into one box. That seemed reasonable to me, considering his short life and the square footage of our small apartment. Some of his things I kept strictly because of sentiment and others because of practicality--hoping that one day we will have another baby.
I'm not exactly sure what the next three years will bring (it's scary to even ask sometimes), but hopefully I've learned something along the way to prepare me for what God has in store next.