December 29, 2011

How Many Kids Do You Have

By Kaci Goodrich Uipi

I've been so busy this past month that I haven't had any time to write on my blog. I've also been so busy this past month that I have worried that maybe I wasn't thinking about Joshua enough. I even tricked myself into thinking that maybe I was done feeling sad about Joshua not being here. Oh, why do I always play that mean joke on myself? Even though I don't feel nearly as sad as I did six months ago, the sadness is still lingering on the surface just waiting to spill over.

I do much better with babies and pregnant women now. Nevertheless, I sill get nervous when I meet someone new for the first time and I just know the "how many kids do you have" question is going to arise at any moment. I honestly don't know if I will ever be able to feel okay answering that question.

We were in Utah over the holidays and it seemed like we were constantly running into people Salesi knew. If they didn't ask us "how many kids do you have", they would instead say, "you guys don't have kids yet?" If the latter of the 2 questions came up, I would automatically move my head back and forth and with a gloomy look in my eyes respond with, "No, not yet." I must have been too tired (and too cold) to actually take the time to tell the truth (especially to all the young Tongan couples who already had too many kids themselves to even count).

Around this same time last year I joked that we would have a 11-11-11 baby. And when that goal became unattainable, I then said that maybe we would have a 12-12-12 baby. Hmmmm, not sure about that one either now. Our bishop has told us to not rush into anything. (I will admit to liking his advice because it gives me more time for myself; On the other hand, however--I am turning 32 this year!)