December 29, 2011

How Many Kids Do You Have

By Kaci Goodrich Uipi

I've been so busy this past month that I haven't had any time to write on my blog. I've also been so busy this past month that I have worried that maybe I wasn't thinking about Joshua enough. I even tricked myself into thinking that maybe I was done feeling sad about Joshua not being here. Oh, why do I always play that mean joke on myself? Even though I don't feel nearly as sad as I did six months ago, the sadness is still lingering on the surface just waiting to spill over.

I do much better with babies and pregnant women now. Nevertheless, I sill get nervous when I meet someone new for the first time and I just know the "how many kids do you have" question is going to arise at any moment. I honestly don't know if I will ever be able to feel okay answering that question.

We were in Utah over the holidays and it seemed like we were constantly running into people Salesi knew. If they didn't ask us "how many kids do you have", they would instead say, "you guys don't have kids yet?" If the latter of the 2 questions came up, I would automatically move my head back and forth and with a gloomy look in my eyes respond with, "No, not yet." I must have been too tired (and too cold) to actually take the time to tell the truth (especially to all the young Tongan couples who already had too many kids themselves to even count).

Around this same time last year I joked that we would have a 11-11-11 baby. And when that goal became unattainable, I then said that maybe we would have a 12-12-12 baby. Hmmmm, not sure about that one either now. Our bishop has told us to not rush into anything. (I will admit to liking his advice because it gives me more time for myself; On the other hand, however--I am turning 32 this year!) 


4 comments:

  1. I had a very hard time going to church after Tess passed away. Even though I had two older girls, I(5 and 8), it felt like going to church, especially a LDS church was torture. Babies everywhere, but I am not telling you anything you don't already know. It has thankfully gotten easier. I met a woman a couple of weeks ago at my girls dance class that was going on about how her schedule was so hectic with four kids. She asked me how many I had? I just didn't have the energy or didn't want to get the uncomfortable Im so sorry, but I told her I only had three. I immediately got into my car and started bawling. It is okay though however you decide to handle those type of questions. I am 37 and my husband is 42 and we have a 7 month old. Our rainbow baby. You have plenty of time I am sure. I like your honesty and read your blog often. Be kind and patient with yourself. No one, even others members of the church, could ever imagine going through this kind of trial unless they have been through it. xoxo
    Jordan Stratton

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  2. Yeah, I always hate when people ask questions like that. "You don't have kids yet?" Come on! They are just desperate for things to talk about and aren't creative enough to think of something else. I'm sorry, I don't blame you for being too tired to go into the whole Joshua story. Good luck with your juice fast!

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  3. Oh those questions...I guess in my book it is similar to how many kids, but I think yours is a much harder one. You ARE a mom. You HAVE a kid. It is not visual and that is hard. I have missed you! Sad we didn't get together while you were here darnit!

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  4. PS 12-12-12 Lets do it! If only it was that easy huh?

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