September 6, 2011

Why Is My Life So Awkward

By Kaci Goodrich Uipi

Why is my life so awkward? If I don't tell people about Joshua, it's awkward. If I do tell people about Joshua, it's even more awkward. Is it me? Or is it them?

My visiting teacher came over on Sunday, and I knew she would ask about Joshua. 1--because I have two framed pictures of him in my living room, one of which is of Salesi and I holding him with my hospital bands still on. And 2--because my visiting teacher likes to talk and ask a lot of questions.

I had thought about putting the pictures away before she arrived (or at least the one of us as a family), but I decided instead, that I would act like it was no big deal if she were to ask me who the baby was. Of course we all know that it isn't just "no big deal".

To make a long story short...after I nervously asked all the questions for a good 15 minutes (while she continued to stare at the picture of Joshua across the room), she then started asking me questions about my wedding. At this point I knew she was staling. And then it came--the dreaded question that I knew was coming--"May I ask you who the baby is??" She said quietly with a hesitant look on her face. "OH, that's our baby. That's Joshua. He was born on 10-10-10 and passed away on November 9th. He'd be 1 in October," I said matter-of-factly like it wasn't a big deal. "Well he's very cute," she said. "Thanks," I responded immediately.

Then, it happened--that super quiet moment where you start twiddling your thumbs hoping that a big plane will crash down outside your apartment to take away the silence and awkwardness of it all.

Instead of the big plane I was hoping for, I turned my head to look way over at the microwave clock and said, "Oh woa! We gotta get going (to church)!"

And that was that.

Is it me or is it them? I just don't feel like explaining the whole story to everyone on the planet. Only because we recently moved, it now feels like I'm keeping a big secret from everyone. People don't see us with kids at church, so they have no reason to think that we have any at all. I guess this is how my life is going to be from now on, so I better learn to deal with it.

4 comments:

  1. I know. It sucks.
    We don't have any pictures of Ella in our family room, just in our bedroom. I get tired of explaining, tired of acting like it's no big deal, seeing the aghast looks on people's faces.

    I don't know the answers. Do we act like our baby doesn't exist? Do we have to tell everyone who asks that yes, we do have one baby, just not with us? It's a fine line.

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  2. Who knows. Maybe she'll be the kind of visiting teacher you can talk to about these kind of things, maybe it's a blessing that she knows... when the time comes that you DO feel like talking about it, you will have jumped over that hurdle of telling her.

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  3. I found your blog from kendra's. I recently lost my baby too. It totally sucks. I fee you on the awkward conversations. Have thought so many times if we move how weird that would be to have people not know. For me it is like I want them to know, I want everyone to know he was here, but not in the awkward way it usually comes out!

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  4. My heart aches for you. I haven't moved, but it seems to be something that we will never escape. We have new families move into the ward and we have new neighbors move in on our street. They all come over. We have pictures of Hailey --very large pictures, still from the funeral -- in our living room. Can't miss those. I do have two other children so the question is usually "are those baby pictures of your kids". Nope. I personally, would prefer that people ask me about her because it makes me feel like maybe they care, but I know that everyone deals with things differently. Just know that you are not alone. We all have to deal with the awkward silence that follows our answers. I'm sorry you are having to go through this in a new place, that must be really difficult for you. We will keep you in our prayers. --Melica (Hailey's mom)

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