April 22, 2012

Random Thoughts

So I haven't written in here for a while. I've been busy. But besides being busy, I feel like I'm kind of at a new "level" of my grief. I go more and more days without crying, and I don't get that sick feeling so much when I see a new baby. Don't get me wrong--it's still hard sometimes. I still sometimes just sit in awe that something like this happened to me... I think to myself, "My baby died? Why did my baby have to die?" And occasionally I will still get that horrific image of Joshua being put inside of a body bag. (No, I didn't actually see this take place, but I asked the nurse right before we left the hospital if she was going to put him inside of a body bag before taking him down to the morgue and she said "yes". Seriously--NO mother should ever have to be haunted with a mental image of their child being zipped up in a body bag. Ugh.)  

I do worry that I don't think about him enough. I worry that I'm forgetting important details and images from his life. I know that there's a lot of people that don't think I could honestly miss someone that much who only lived for a month. In fact, when I tell them he passed away at a month old, they will sometimes say, "Well I guess you carried him for 9 months so, that was probably hard." Yes. It was hard. And--it still is hard. He was a real person to me. Is the pain worse if your child is older? Maybe. I sometimes think that (to be honest). But I would never tell someone who lost a day old baby that they have it easier than me just because their baby was only a day old. That's nonsense.


  1. Kaci, I haven't really commented on your blog, but I read it. I appreciate your honesty about everything. I just felt like I wanted to say something today I guess. I lost my baby girl 8 months ago. She was born premature, she died the same day. I can relate when you say it sometimes feels like people minimize your pain, so to speak, because they were so young. Like you, I don't know if it would be worse if they were older, I pray I never have to find out. However, I wish that people would realize that love for your child has nothing to do with age or time. The only way time figures into the equation, is that there wasn't enough of it. If your child was 20 yrs or 1 day, either way- there wasn't enough time.

    So, yes, I can believe that you miss Joshua that much, even though he was only a month old. Because I miss my baby girl that much and she was not even a day old.

  2. I have missed you on here! I sometimes wonder if it would be harder if you lost a toddler or older child or easier if you weren't as far along or they were still born. But then I think a lot of it comes down to the hopes and dreams and plans you had for your child and your family that are shattered. It doesn't matter how long you have them for for that stuff to get messed. I know I start making plans like 2 days into my pregnancy. :)

    PS The body bag thing totally creeps me out!

  3. I don't think the pain is worse the older the child - it is just different. Everyone that has a breathing, living child one day and gone the next still grieve over what they had no matter how long it was. We all wish we had more time. We all grieve the future that we don't get.

    I have felt a lot of what you are describing. I still can sometime wonder if this really did happen to me.

    Was just thinking about you, glad to see that you blogged! Your parities are amazing!!

  4. Sorry that was me above - I didn't realize that I was signed into my old email account :)

  5. My baby died at home, but when the officer wanted to put a white sheet over her body I absolutely could not handle that. I asked if I could use one of her blankets instead. And when they took her body away, I sent that same blanket with them (I got it back a few days later). I guess I've seen too many movies, but the thought of covering my baby's body with a white sheet just felt a little too morbid to me. I got rid of all my white sheets after that. Only colorful sheets for this girl now!


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