October 4, 2011

God Knew What He Was Doing

By Kaci Goodrich Uipi

God must of known what he was doing when he created grief. Well duh. He is God.

There must be divine purpose in the details that make up what we refer to as "grief". For example, there's plenty of good reasons why at first, immediately following the death of your loved one, you usually experience shock or numbness. This is so you can actually make it through the funeral and burial services without being an absolute crazy person. I now sometimes go to the cemetery thinking, "My baby's down there! Someone help me dig him out!"

I remember lying in bed the night after Joshua died, feeling like I should be crying. In truth, I wanted to be crying, but it just wasn't coming out. I told Salesi that I was "upset" and he responded, "What did I do!?" I told him, "No, not at you! I want to cry, but it just won't come out!"

It's now been almost 1 year. And I still can't make it come out when I want it to. I can sometimes try to suppress it. (Sometimes.) However, when it needs to come out--it does, and it will.

Next week is Joshua's Birthday.  I'm not sure what to think of all this.  I feel like I should be crying, but again--it's not coming out. Actually, we are going to Las Vegas to celebrate. So, it's probably better that I don't start crying while I'm livin' it up in Sin City a beautiful city filled with tons of good church members and a gorgeous temple.

If I do start crying on our trip, however, it will most likely be from watching an emotionally stirring performance of the Lion King. (Oh man, it's going to remind me of Joshua isn't it?)

3 comments:

  1. Everything is going to remind you of Joshua. Everything reminds me of Ella. Everything beautiful, at least.

    I hope you have fun in Vegas. Joshua would want you to be happy and have a good time on his birthday.

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  2. I totally agree. Sometimes I think "I wish I could just feel like I did during the last week or so of his life and right after" Where I am now is MUCH worse! Boo to you being in Arizona! haha Have so much fun in Vegas!

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  3. The days I expect to be the worst never are. It's the unexpected moments that bring the tears for me.
    My advice is to just let the tears come when they do. I've learned that crying is part of the grieving AND healing process.

    Enjoy your trip! :)

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