I Look Stressed Out

Who likes to hear somebody tell you that "you look stressed out"? Ummm anybody? Salesi got a new calling and so now he's able to come and hear me teach Sunday School. (Well, when he has time...) So I guess today he came in my class for the last 20 minutes or so, and after church he told me that it's obvious that "I'm stressed and crying out for help up there..." Seriously? Do I really look like that up there? (It is 10 in the morning after all, and I'm not a morning person.)

Of course I did finish my lesson by showing the Mormon Message video titled, "Hope Ya Know, We Had A Hard Time." (Go here to watch it.) Before I played it I mentioned, "I really like this video because I feel like that a lot." WELL I DO! I AM HAVING A HARD TIME!

It seems like I always get in these talks with Salesi about how "sucky my life is" and how "I have no friends". Anyway, so we go back and forth and back and forth and he always tells me that "people are scared to be my friend because I look sad and stressed out"... Hmm, doesn't seem like there's an end to this one. Well, I actually do end it every time. (I mean--for the night at least.) It seems like I always remember a very important point: I don't need friends! I don't even have time for friends! (How would I have time for friends when I don't even have time to do the laundry?) And besides, I like doing things by myself!

It's probably better anyway that I don't spend time with other people--I'm just way too emotional right now...and stressed out of course. I mean, it would be pretty embarrassing if some of my emotions got the best of me while hanging out with other people. (I might never find out for sure, but it's probably better if I never do.)

The B Word

Of course I think about the "B Word" a lot. (Salesi asks me about it pretty much everyday.) All the time I read on people's blogs about how a "new baby is very healing..." Well, to tell you the truth (as if I need to remind you I'm going to be honest on this blog), I just don't know if I believe that... Or, at least believe it could be true for me. It seems like part of it just comes down to image. NO--I'm not saying that this is how it is for everyone else--but for me, this is how I feel. Let me explain...

If I had a new baby, it would seem like I've moved on, or at least taken a step in that direction, right? Not just that, but us women (especially us Mormon Women), like to "do it all", right? Of course the thought of me getting older is always in the back of my head (or front?)... Questions like: "If I have a baby in a year, how old will I be when they get married?" Or thoughts like, "How much cuter would our next Christmas Card look to have a baby in the picture?"

The truth is this: Not only do I not feel emotionally ready to have another baby right now, it stresses me out seeing other BLM's continuing down the path of bringing more children into this world, while I'm still indecisive about this whole CGD/IVF stuff.

Yes, yes, yes... I understand everyone is different, and this kind of stuff shouldn't stress me out, but that's only ANOTHER reason why I have a lot of (emotional) problems! (I will need counseling the rest of my life...as if I didn't go to enough sessions already.)

Alone

By Kaci Goodrich Uipi

I have felt very alone these past few days. I did a lot of crying today and I haven't really cried in a while. Today it hit me that I'm still "not over" all the pain, hurt and resentments that I feel and that I've only been masking these feelings with being busy or just holding in my emotions. I always feel tired, sick, angry and--to be honest--I just don't like the person I am.

I know I need to go to counseling. Actually, I was going to finally call the counselor today to make an appointment, but then I got too scared that I might start crying over the phone...so I didn't.

I know I still have resentments towards our new ward. The bishop has been great. However, it bothers me that I don't have visiting teachers (I don't even know who they are). Also, we finally just got a home teacher, or at least a home teacher who wants to actually visit us now. I mean, I know this is all normal, nothing too weird to "not know who your home teachers are for 6 months"...right? It's just hard moving into a new ward 7 months after your baby dies, and then not even the relief society president mentions anything to you the whole time while you are in the ward. I don't know what would make it better... Maybe just a, "When is Joshua's birthday?" or "How old would Joshua be?" Well, of course, it might be nice to first ask, "So, what was your son's name?" I just feel like he isn't a real person to anyone, and it makes coping with my loss a little difficult. 

Did He Know

Did Joshua know he would only be staying here a very short time? Did God Tell him that his Earthly Mission would last only a few weeks?

As we were making the decision in the PICU to take him off Life Support, my sister asserted, "Right before Joshua was born, God said to him, 'Now Joshua, I am only sending you down there for a little while, and then I need you right back up here where you belong'..." 

Whether or not that really happened, I suppose that Heaven is definitely the place where Joshua belongs right now.