I Write The Truth Whether You Like It Or Not

By Kaci Goodrich Uipi

Some people might think I'm just a bitter brat. I beg to differ. I have many days when I count my blessings and am in such awe of what God has given me including talents, friendships, financial well being, physical health, a nice home to live in, a good husband, and many more.  But when life is great, I don't always feel like writing. When life is bad, writing is my therapy and I guess deep down inside, I do it because I long for understanding. Yup, I said it. I long to be loved and understood.

As Joshua's birth date and death date soon approach in the next couple of months, I feel the need to look back and review everything that has happened this past year. It's not a year I would wish upon anyone. Nonetheless, I feel proud of my accomplishments and growth that has taken place. Two Important things I've learned is: "There is no right way to grieve" and "I will never completely get over my loss". With these statements in mind, I feel like I've done pretty good in handling the card that was dealt to me on November 9th of last year.

I might not always write the things people would wish I would write. I might not have as many followers as other blogs because I might not be viewed as an "inspirational" or "motivational person". That's okay. I want people out there to know that losing a baby isn't fun. In very dark moments (and I feel like I can personally say I know what a "dark moment" is), the pain can cut very deep, and feel like it might never go away. So I blog to bluntly let people know that, "No. I'm not OK with my son's death."

I want people to know that I'm a real person with real feelings of anger, sadness, helplessness, frustration, and jealousy. However, I also want people to know that I am striving daily to endure my challenges and struggles, having hope that one day all things will be made right through the atonement of Jesus Christ, and that I WILL see my son again.

I sometimes hold it half a sin; To put in words the grief I feel; For words, like nature, half reveal; And half conceal the Soul within. -Alfred Tennyson

Why Is My Life So Awkward

By Kaci Goodrich Uipi

Why is my life so awkward? If I don't tell people about Joshua, it's awkward. If I do tell people about Joshua, it's even more awkward. Is it me? Or is it them?

My visiting teacher came over on Sunday, and I knew she would ask about Joshua. 1--because I have two framed pictures of him in my living room, one of which is of Salesi and I holding him with my hospital bands still on. And 2--because my visiting teacher likes to talk and ask a lot of questions.

I had thought about putting the pictures away before she arrived (or at least the one of us as a family), but I decided instead, that I would act like it was no big deal if she were to ask me who the baby was. Of course we all know that it isn't just "no big deal".

To make a long story short...after I nervously asked all the questions for a good 15 minutes (while she continued to stare at the picture of Joshua across the room), she then started asking me questions about my wedding. At this point I knew she was staling. And then it came--the dreaded question that I knew was coming--"May I ask you who the baby is??" She said quietly with a hesitant look on her face. "OH, that's our baby. That's Joshua. He was born on 10-10-10 and passed away on November 9th. He'd be 1 in October," I said matter-of-factly like it wasn't a big deal. "Well he's very cute," she said. "Thanks," I responded immediately.

Then, it happened--that super quiet moment where you start twiddling your thumbs hoping that a big plane will crash down outside your apartment to take away the silence and awkwardness of it all.

Instead of the big plane I was hoping for, I turned my head to look way over at the microwave clock and said, "Oh woa! We gotta get going (to church)!"

And that was that.

Is it me or is it them? I just don't feel like explaining the whole story to everyone on the planet. Only because we recently moved, it now feels like I'm keeping a big secret from everyone. People don't see us with kids at church, so they have no reason to think that we have any at all. I guess this is how my life is going to be from now on, so I better learn to deal with it.

A New Place

By Kaci Goodrich Uipi

We recently moved to a new town. As we packed up the final boxes at our old place, I became a little sad thinking that we would never be back there. It was the one and only home in which we had Joshua. Even though he never actually slept in the room I decorated for him (all with custom made pillows, crib bumper, bed skirt, and the cutest artwork you've ever seen), it's still sad that we will never again be inside of the only house that smelled and sounded like Joshua. Inside of that house contain the only (good) memories I have of him. (Other than at the pediatrician's office and the hospital--but I don't like to remember those so much.)

When I shared my feelings with Salesi, he said, "That's okay. We'll buy it when the owners foreclose." Awe...gotta love him. And even more--gotta love the fact that he never reads my blog so I can write about him!