February 14, 2012

The B Word

Of course I think about the "B Word" a lot. (Salesi asks me about it pretty much everyday.) All the time I read on people's blogs about how a "new baby is very healing..." Well, to tell you the truth (as if I need to remind you I'm going to be honest on this blog), I just don't know if I believe that... Or, at least believe it could be true for me. It seems like part of it just comes down to image. NO--I'm not saying that this is how it is for everyone else--but for me, this is how I feel. Let me explain...

If I had a new baby, it would seem like I've moved on, or at least taken a step in that direction, right? Not just that, but us women (especially us Mormon Women), like to "do it all", right? Of course the thought of me getting older is always in the back of my head (or front?)... Questions like: "If I have a baby in a year, how old will I be when they get married?" Or thoughts like, "How much cuter would our next Christmas Card look to have a baby in the picture?"

The truth is this: Not only do I not feel emotionally ready to have another baby right now, it stresses me out seeing other BLM's continuing down the path of bringing more children into this world, while I'm still indecisive about this whole CGD/IVF stuff.

Yes, yes, yes... I understand everyone is different, and this kind of stuff shouldn't stress me out, but that's only ANOTHER reason why I have a lot of (emotional) problems! (I will need counseling the rest of my life...as if I didn't go to enough sessions already.)


  1. K but really? I feel like you are one of the only BLM's with a similar issue to mine. We have genetic issues going on here. It isn't just a "fluke" or a 1 in a million. To me that makes the decision(s) all SO MUCH harder. It isn't just when and if your ready, then it is how and what you feel good about doing to insure you don't have that same problem. OR risking it again...eek! I always tell people that I just can't ever see us making a decision. I see us being like 40 and being like "well I guess that was our decision." haha. I mean hopefully not, but I just don't ever feel like I will "know" what is right for us, or be able to pick one and run with it. STRESSFUL!

  2. Having another baby is definitely a personal decisions. I wouldn't believe anyone else when they told me that my new son would bring healing and happiness...how can I be happy without my child here? But he did/does. He makes me smile...he reminds me of Beckett in the simplest ways and I LOVE that. I do have to say that as he gets older it does get harder - I see everything that I missed with Beckett and I don't like that reminder. But my new baby gives me a reason to get up everyday...gives me a reason to smile...gives me a reason be happy in the moment. I miss my baby, more now that ever. That will never go away nor be taken place by any other child. I wish others understood that my new son does NOT or will NEVER take the place of Beckett...in my arms OR in my mind. I hope this made some sense BUT know that I totally understand your feelings. Part of me wishes that I had a choice of when we had another child but the choice was made for me...and I wouldn't change it now.

    SO glad when I saw that you posted on your blog!! :)

  3. Its so hard.
    I get mad and think that this is crap, I shouldn't be allowed to be happy with Amanda here, she shouldn't have made such a difference. Two years next month. Two years feels like a lifetime.
    I am still so sad, I still feel guilty, I'm still scared to death. Nothing will ever be easy again as far as I am concerned.

  4. As a fellow blm I get where you are coming from. It's scary! Especially because there are genetic issues. Not knowing is the hardest thing ever. I agree with ashley and always both have great points. A new baby does not replace your sweet angel in heaven though and don't ever let anyone tell you it does. Praying for you!! Great big hugs!!


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