February 13, 2012

Alone

By Kaci Goodrich Uipi

I have felt very alone these past few days. I did a lot of crying today and I haven't really cried in a while. Today it hit me that I'm still "not over" all the pain, hurt and resentments that I feel and that I've only been masking these feelings with being busy or just holding in my emotions. I always feel tired, sick, angry and--to be honest--I just don't like the person I am.

I know I need to go to counseling. Actually, I was going to finally call the counselor today to make an appointment, but then I got too scared that I might start crying over the phone...so I didn't.

I know I still have resentments towards our new ward. The bishop has been great. However, it bothers me that I don't have visiting teachers (I don't even know who they are). Also, we finally just got a home teacher, or at least a home teacher who wants to actually visit us now. I mean, I know this is all normal, nothing too weird to "not know who your home teachers are for 6 months"...right? It's just hard moving into a new ward 7 months after your baby dies, and then not even the relief society president mentions anything to you the whole time while you are in the ward. I don't know what would make it better... Maybe just a, "When is Joshua's birthday?" or "How old would Joshua be?" Well, of course, it might be nice to first ask, "So, what was your son's name?" I just feel like he isn't a real person to anyone, and it makes coping with my loss a little difficult. 


3 comments:

  1. In my new ward, at first I was the opposite. I didn't want anyone to know me, or ask "how many kids do you have?" or anything like that. I would go to relief society, sit by myself, and look at my phone so no one would talk to me.
    What got me out of that shell was a friend of mine. She talked in Relief society about when she lost baby #9. (miscarriages and still births. Not sure if this number includes the 3 living children she has.)
    I was flabbergasted and humbled. I realized I needed to step out of myself, have faith that the friends I could make would be a strength and support to me, and to pray for the courage to do so.
    For me, that worked.
    For you, I don't offer the same advice. Your situation is not the same as mine. Your feelings, your frustrations, the depth of your grief, and your sadness is different from mine even though we both lost babies. We're different people, that's just the fact of the matter. All I can tell you is I know Joshua exists and I do think of you and of him every now and again. I know he's probably friends with my Ella and is with his Mommy every chance he can get.
    Maybe it would be a good idea to see a counselor. But that's entirely between you and the Lord. Hugs and hopes that you will soon rise from this valley in the uphill road that is our grief.

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  2. Kaci -- I wish I could come and just give you a big hug!! I still feel so alone on all the baby's I have lost, all 5 of them. None of my family can truly know the feeling of losing a baby. It makes me so angry inside knowing that. I would love to just come visit you and talk with you. Email me if you like to have me come and visit you, lizncade@yahoo.com. I think of you often and pray for you all the time!

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  3. Oh that would be so hard. I need people to know. I hate feeling like the only one who thinks of this little baby. Not having other people around say things would make it all seem like a dream or maybe even sometimes a nightmare. I am sorry. I seriously think about you everyday. I think the world of you. I sometimes just want to send you a text and let you know I am thinking of you, but I don't have your number. I am still wanting to email you, I have lots to discuss. :) Thinking of you! {{hugs}}

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I have never deleted anyone's comment. (Not even the mean ones from my sisters.)