|Joshua at 9 days old waiting in the ER for a more permanent room in the Pediatric Ward at St. Joe's Hospital in Phoenix.|
If you look closely at this picture, you will notice a 9 day-old baby with perfect olive skin, a perfect shaped head, and the perfect ability to sleep and breathe on his own.
If you look much closer at this picture, you will notice a large bruise on Joshua's left hand. This was from the IV line he had in him during his 3 day stay in the NICU following his birth, hence the IV line stuck in his head this time around.
If you look really close at this picture, you will notice a beautiful little baby who is about to leave his mommy and daddy and end his mortal existence on this Earth.
Did you see it?
Joshua was so perfect in every way...yet he wasn't. I didn't know it at the time, but this really was the beginning of the end for Little Joshua. This is the very last picture we have of him where he still looks healthy and normal. (Besides having that stupid thing sticking out of his head, of course.)
I miss him. I've been thinking about potentially bringing another little one into this world but, it scares me. It really scares me. After pondering the last couple of weeks about whether or not we should conceive a baby naturally, I've realized that it scares me too much to consider that option. A 1 in 4 chance is way too risky for me, no matter what others say or think.
And right now I still have so many feelings locked inside of me, that I'm not sure when the time will come to make that final decision.