January 30, 2012

The Beginning Of The End

Joshua at 9 days old waiting in the ER for a more permanent room in the Pediatric Ward at St. Joe's Hospital in Phoenix.
If you look closely at this picture, you will notice a 9 day-old baby with perfect olive skin, a perfect shaped head, and the perfect ability to sleep and breathe on his own.

If you look much closer at this picture, you will notice a large bruise on Joshua's left hand. This was from the IV line he had in him during his 3 day stay in the NICU following his birth, hence the IV line stuck in his head this time around.

If you look really close at this picture, you will notice a beautiful little baby who is about to leave his mommy and daddy and end his mortal existence on this Earth.

Did you see it?

Joshua was so perfect in every way...yet he wasn't. I didn't know it at the time, but this really was the beginning of the end for Little Joshua. This is the very last picture we have of him where he still looks healthy and normal. (Besides having that stupid thing sticking out of his head, of course.)

I miss him. I've been thinking about potentially bringing another little one into this world but, it scares me. It really scares me. After pondering the last couple of weeks about whether or not we should conceive a baby naturally, I've realized that it scares me too much to consider that option. A 1 in 4 chance is way too risky for me, no matter what others say or think.

And right now I still have so many feelings locked inside of me, that I'm not sure when the time will come to make that final decision.


  1. Oh I have got to email you. We need to catch up! I am so sad we didn't get to chat it out when you were here. :( He is the most beautiful baby! Serious.

  2. I agree- He is so beautiful. What a hard decision you to have to wrestle with now. I hope that the answer to your prayers will come soon.

  3. He is a beautiful baby. I am so sorry. It hurts to know that other people know how bad "this" hurts :(

    It's a hard decision and I as well hope that you get an answer that you are comfortable with. Thinking of you always.

  4. He is so cute. I'm glad you took so many pictures of him, and you write so well. I love you! -Caitlin

  5. Joshua is so handsome!! Look at his perfect skin. And I would be very proud to hang that beautiful painting up. Your sister did an amazing job. I'm so sorry you have to experience this. I'm sorry it had to be your first and only child. I'm sorry you had to pack everything away and feel like empty nesters, I know how horrible it is. I pray when the time is right, you and your husband will be blessed with another precious spirit to help heal your hearts. Thanks for sharing some ideas with me on the angel blog, hopefully I"ll be able to help another family in my community. Thinking of you and sending love your way.


    Ashley Sullenger

  6. I don't think I've ever seen this picture before. He is such a beautiful baby.

  7. That is a beautiful baby boy. I look at pics that we took of my baby just hours before she passed and think the same thing. Can you look at her and see that she was about to go back to live with our Father in Heaven? And when I am really angry I look at them and am totally baffled how healthy she looked and how could a perfectly healthy baby just die like that. I pray that you can find some peace and comfort.

    Jordan Stratton


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