April 20, 2011

Thanks For Reminding Me

By Kaci Goodrich Uipi

As days go on, I start to think that maybe I'm getting better. I don't spend so much time crying like I used to, and the overall feeling in my gut has improved. I know it's not the most accurate way to measure all this, but for me, it's the only way I know how. Sometimes I feel guilty or upset that I've gone a certain amount of days without crying. Other times, I wish to cry, but I can't force it to come out. And then there are times when, all it takes is a good ol' cheesy movie about a girl who gets her arm chopped off by a shark, or a story of a heart transplant on Oprah to really get my tears flowing again.

In the beginning, it seemed like I spent most of my time crying, or feeling like there was a knife going in my stomach. So, to have a few breathers in between is a nice thing. However, there are always those reminders waiting to jump out at me, when I am certainly not in the mood for them.

For example: The other day a lady said to me, "It's hard having kids...". What was I supposed to say back to that!? "It's also pretty hard losing a kid!" Deep down inside, though, I felt like I wasn't even being viewed as a mother, and that's what bothered me the most. There will always be babies every where I go that will also be a constant reminder of what I don't have. And can I blame those people who have living babies? No, but the bottom line remains: It hurts.

Misconception of the ungrieving world: "Kaci is fine being around babies because she acts fine!" It's a very hard thing to tell someone that I don't care to look at their baby. Yes, it's hard for me to tell people a lot of things, thus the reason for this blog. I've told things to Salesi like, "If one more person comes over to my house with a baby I'm going to tell them off!" Have I done it yet? No. It's a mixture of me being a chicken and also trying very hard to be polite.


  1. Kaci, I love reading your blog because I feel the EXACT same things. I sometimes feel like I'm not viewed as a mother either because I have nothing to show for it except for stretch marks and a c-section scar.
    It is hard to be polite. It's hard to wear a smile. I had an experience the other day that will shock you. I was at home and someone rang the doorbell. I knew it was my cousin's wife because she always visits my grandpa on Mondays (me and Bret live with my grandpa in my aunt and uncle's house while they're on their mission). At first I didn't feel like answering the door because it had already been kind of an emotional day for me. But she'd eventually come in and then know I was home and didn't answer the door so I just got up. I opened the door to let her in. She was with her parents. She then proceeded to point out my shirt, which was the shirt I wore to Ethan's run that says "Remembering Ella" on it, and said to her parents "Oh, and her baby died and they called her lady bug."

    Like I was some carnival side show. Pour a little more salt on my open wound.
    I was so angry. Still trying to let it go.

  2. I'm so, so sorry for your loss.

    I lost my son early last year at 13 months. With a surviving son and another due in August, I consider myself a mother of 3. I know I won't be wrangling 3 kids in a grocery store anytime soon, but it is what it is, so it really upsets me when people have the audicity to correct me - "You only have 2 kids, if you count the one on the way."

    There are always going to be people who discount your experiences, whatever they are. Thankfully, the people who value them seem to be more prevalent most of the time.

  3. My son died 2.5 years ago (youngest of 4 boys) and his sister was born less than a week after his death. For the first year, when we were in Costco and my kids filled the cart (groceries underneath) people would make comments either about #1-I must have my hands full or #2-Are all these yours?!

    My silent response to #1 is usually something about my hands not being full enough. But my favorite one for #2 came from my older boys, who are still little (oldest is now 7). After answering the question that indeed all the children in the cart are mine, then the boys would say something like, "yeah, but not Evan. He died." The stranger would look at me and I would say it is true.

    I wonder if these shoppers will ever ask a question like that again to a mother with a cart full of kids. Maybe. But maybe not.

    I've read several of your posts and will come back to read more...I've got to go to bed right now, though. Morning will be here soon. You've got a great style of writing and I like your misconception blurbs at the end of posts. Thank you for sharing.


  4. oh yes, exactly. I often find myself somewhere similiar. I have a older child so for me its a little different. I will give advice to friends about their toddlers and I immediately wonder if they are thinking "Forget her, she coudlnt even keep her kid alive" Always I think that, like I should be discredited now. Because we all know that these things dont happen to people who do eveyrthing right.. right...


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