March 8, 2011

Comparisons

By Kaci Goodrich Uipi

We are told that we should not compare ourselves to others, right? This is so hard to do (or not do), because it's only natural that we would look at someone else and wonder if they are doing something better than us. We all know deep down inside that it's wrong and it only digs a hole for us that we then have to try to climb our way out of. I've realized this more and more as I go through this bereavement period of my life. I've said it before, and will continue to say it: "Everyone grieves differently."

I must remember that I can not compare myself to any other griever... not even my husband. Not comparing myself to my husband has been difficult. During the tough times when I feel the most sad, I turn to him and ask, "Why aren't you sad!? Why aren't you crying!? Don't you care that your son died!?" I must admit that I was very relieved the other night when he started crying after seeing me smell Joshua's little bear before coming into bed. I wanted to cry with him, but at the same time I wanted to shout for joy and say, "Ha! You are finally crying!" I've learned, however, that it is not my responsibility to make sure he cries or doesn't cry. Besides that, we all know how different males and females are, so why wouldn't they be different at grieving?

As I met other "club moms" for lunch last week, I listened to some of their stories. Some of them told me that after their son died, they didn't go to church for over a month, and even after that, they didn't attend Relief Society meetings for many more months. I started thinking, "Should I not be going to church? Should I not be going to Relief Society? Should I ask to be released from my callings?

You're probably wondering why I would be asking such silly questions. Well, it's because part of grieving consists of trying to figure out if I am doing it the right way or not. The truth (for the most part), will always stay the same: There is no right way!

Misconception of the ungrieving world: "My friend acted a certain way when her loved one died, so I'm sure that all people act the same way when they have a loss." Being able to cope with a tough situation varies depending on the following: age; maturity; type of loss; anticipatory time; relationship to the loss; personality; gender; coping abilities; past losses and experiences; physical, spiritual and mental health; lifestyle and expectations; intelligence and education; beliefs and values; family makeup, rules and expectations. (See also "Jesus Wept")

2 comments:

  1. The biggest slap in the face is when someone tells you that you should be "getting over it" or "moving on" or that in one year you should be doing better. You can not put a timeline on grief, and you are most definitely right -- everyone grieves very differently.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I went to the temple 2 days after Daxton died. I went to church the day after Daxton's funeral. It wasn't easy. It was Really Really Really hard. But I knew where I could feel the Spirit and be uplifted.... and there were so many people watching me to see what I would do. And honestly? I couldn't let them down.

    My cousin drove 12 hours from Utah to in his own words, "See what I had to say about it all" He sincerely wanted to know what I thought. And I hope he wasn't terrible disappointed :).

    I also asked to have a Primary calling. The children are so innocent (and it helped that I have a special needs child who requires my ever watching eye 24/7)

    ReplyDelete

I have never deleted anyone's comment. (Not even the mean ones from my sisters.)