March 12, 2011

Are You Jealous

By Kaci Goodrich Uipi

Are you jealous? No, not am I jealous, but are you jealous? Seriously, why would you be jealous of me? This is going to be a stupid topic, but I have to throw it out there: Does it make you jealous to not be a part of this Crappy Club that I'm in? The only reason I bring it up is because the other night I finally got Salesi to take a look at my blog, and one of the first things he read were the words, "The Club" on the right side. He was upset, and wanted to know what it was and why I would put it. I explained to him that it's just a silly way of saying that all those other moms have also lost children, therefore, we all have that in common-- as if we are in a club together.

He still didn't like me using those words, and reminded me of a group of girls who hang out every week but yet never invite me to join in. Unknown to them, it has been hurting my feelings this entire time of more than 2 years. Do I need to forgive them and move on? Yes. Hey, if anything I'm very grateful to them for not inviting me, because it has really opened my eyes and helped me to remember to include everyone. So thanks, girls!

Anyhow, I ended up taking Salesi's advice to change the title from "The Club" to "Other Mommies with Angels". I wouldn't want any of you to be jealous of me and my new club, just like I've been jealous of those other girls and their club. However, now you're probably going to be jealous that I have an angel in heaven. But let's face it, any which way you look at it, it still really is the Crappy Club.

Misconception of the ungrieving world: "Kaci has a son with a free ticket to the Celestial Kingdom." That might be true, but the cost of my ticket sure isn't cheap. Shortly after the funeral, someone actually said they were jealous of us because Joshua is automatically saved in the Celestial Kingdom, and even wished this for their daughter. WHAT? Are you saying you wish your daughter was dead!? The real question is: Are you saying you want to go through all of the pain and suffering we now face on a daily basis? Yeah... didn't think so.

7 comments:

  1. Yeah. It sucks. You'd give everything, your whole world, every dream you've ever had if only to have your baby back.
    And all they can say is they wish they had the same? No. They don't. They wish for pure, righteous, exalted children that they get to keep and raise in THIS life, without the pain of losing them.

    And hey.... this club is so crappy that if we have to be a part of it, we can call it whatever we want. :) But I get you. I truly do. I know what it's like to be left out too.

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  2. (Caitlin) glad you are writing all this even if its hard for me to read. No I'm not jealous of your crappy club. I love you. Hope to see You soon.

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  3. Yeah, my thoughts were, "That's not exactly how I planned on getting to the Celestial Kingdom, and not the way I'd 'recommend' to anyone." Sometimes, though, it really does feel like a club, and not the kind you want to send invitations for either. I think crappy is a good word for it.

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  4. It's interesting my husband brought up the idea that our son was in the celestial kingdom and wouldn't we do anything to get our kids there? His comment didn't bode very well with me until years into my grief. And obviously I don't want the same fate for any of my other children, but there is some truth and peace in realizing I know where he is and that he is where we all hope to be someday.

    My second son was born five months after Cameron died. We named him Joshua...bible dictionary: God is with you. Your little Joshua is beautiful!

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  5. So I don't know you at all -- but I saw your comment about Sammy's passing. I lost my first child Nathan right after he was born. He was born early and just didn't have the lung development he needed to survive. It's been 4 years now and it's still hard. But I am grateful for the time I did have. Anyhow, I had this same experience just three weeks ago when a lady told me that she would rather have had her child die than deal with the choices he was making and I was lucky that I didn't have to worry about my son. I wasn't sure what to say - which says a lot - I am a mental health therapist and usually have a lot to say. Anyhow, I am sorry to hear about your Joshua. It's a hard group to join - but there is a lot of strength to be found within the group.

    Rachel Doyle - Nathan's Mom

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  6. Kaci, I don't know if your referring to our sewing group or not and if so - I am incredibly sorry and sad. I regret I've never asked you, but it breaks my heart to think my oversight could have hurt you. I've heard several people make comments about our group lately and it hurts, we try to get people to come and hang out but they think it's invitation only or a "secret" (my husband was actually making fun of us and gave us that name) It couldn't be farther from the truth, if you came you would find 3 (or on a good night) 4 of us hanging out with or without sewing machines. We're really dorky, but always want new people to come.

    I like your blog it's comforting and very honest. I love my car for the very same reasons. I feel free and safe to let go there for some reason. I've not had to lose a baby that's been born, but I've had enough miscarriages to have a good sized family (the last broke my heart) and lost people near and dear to my heart. You are right when you say "Everyone grieves differently" and for what it's worth, I think this blog has helped many people, I know it's helped me.

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  7. Maren-- I'm going to try to respond on here (don't know if it works, or if you will receive it 'cause I new to blogging!) Thanks for inviting me to your "secret club" ha ha jk.. yeah it's hard 'cause NOW if people invite me places, I don't always feel like going just because of my circumstances... but maybe one day I will make it to your sewing night and finally learn how to sew like I've always wanted!

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I have never deleted anyone's comment. (Not even the mean ones from my sisters.)