February 24, 2011

This Is My Life

By Kaci Goodrich Uipi

I remember back, about a week after Joshua past away, I was walking out to the car to go to church. I was walking very slowly. Not because we had a lot of time to get there, but because it was hard for me to get one foot in front of the other. Things were now starting to sink it. "My son died," I thought. "My son is dead", I thought some more. "All I have to do is endure and I will be okay. Once I get through Sunday School, it will be Relief Society. I'm not particularly fond of Relief Society... so this might be the tough one... but then it will be Sacrament Meeting, and then it will be time to go home." The next day as I got on the computer to check my email I thought, "I can endure... I can endure each day until this hard thing is over and then I can get on with my life." Boy was I wrong. Horribly wrong.

Enduring isn't about trying to rush through hard things and get them over with so we can get on with our lives. Enduring is about living in the here and now. Accepting that trials will always be a part of our lives. The death of my son will always be a part of my life. Trials will always be a part of my life. This is now my life.

I also realized that enduring life isn't just about putting one foot in front of the other and telling yourself that you can get through one more meeting, but it's about enjoying life, the here and now. Life is short, too short. The death of our loved ones should be a constant reminder of the briefness of this earthly journey.

An example of this is what I thought about as Salesi and I drove home from our anniversary date last night. As we drove down the freeway, I thought to myself..."We could be hit by a car right now and both be completely gone. Our death plus our son's death would swipe our family off this Earth. There would be no more of us, our little family." This might sound morbid to some, but for me, it helped get a sense of just how short our lives really are. None of us know the exact time of when our Earthly Life is over, but I think it's fair to say, that in less than 100 years, we will all be gone.

"Some think of enduring to the end of simply suffering through challenges. It is so much more than that--It is the process of coming unto Christ, and being perfected in Him". This is a quote by Joseph B. Worthlin. I really like this, and it totally hits the nail head on. Since the passing of my son, there are many days when I find myself involved in deep meditation. I ponder the purpose of my life, the purpose of my son's life, and how it all fits together. I contemplate our missions, and the plan that was revealed to us before we even came here to Earth.

When life is hard, it seems as if even doing the smallest things are almost impossible. Even kneeling down to say a prayer feels like it would require way too too much effort. If I force myself to pray, however, I usually always feel better. It seems as if I'm immediately blessed with strength beyond my own. This strength can only come from a loving Father in Heaven who knows us perfectly, and a Savior who has already felt everything and anything we could possibly ever feel.

As I do the little things daily, (read, pray, and obey) it seems as if the Holy Ghost can teach me what I need to know. Answers are poured into my mind to some of my hardest questions. I have a greater desire to do good, and my desire to do evil lessens. This must be the real meaning of enduring to the end and coming unto Christ.

Misconception of the ungrieving world: "Life only gets better and easier as time goes on". This might be true in the grand scheme of things, but right after a serious loss, life indeed only gets worse for some time. One big loss causes smaller losses, and then you have even more on your plate than you did before. It takes a while for everything to really penetrate. Feelings of doubt, misbelief, guilt, anger, jealousy, and fear take a while to sink in and this easily causes other issues with relationships, jobs, and self image.

2 comments:

  1. I love that quote from Elder Joseph B Worthlin. I think it applies to so many aspects of each of our lives, no matter where we are in that moment of our lives. Thank You for sharing.

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